is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
How external is "for external use only"?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
did i just pee glitter
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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