guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
