I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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