i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
