Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
