This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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