i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
