tell your sister to shave her snatch
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
