i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
