My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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