KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
