No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
