how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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