very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
