you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
