I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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