She is in my trunk
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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