hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
