Just took my morning after pill in the library
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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