i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
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The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
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Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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