you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
