My underwear smells like fireworks.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
