Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
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