I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
