Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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