honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
