Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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