I woke up to her vacumming the grass
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
