Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
