who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
