oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
