It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
