NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Im just a social blackout drinker.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
