So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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