i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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