Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
