why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
