made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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