I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
