I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
