i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
