At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
