Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
