if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize