Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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