This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
