i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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