It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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