Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
