She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
