this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
