She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
