hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
