I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
there's paper in my vomit.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
