So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
