I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
