Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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