Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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