im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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